Bad Old Days

Seeing all the news of those K-POP idols bullying accusations makes me remember about that time I was being the victim of ones. When I don't even know what was happening to me is bullying. I was naive like that as it first happened when I was in kindergarten. Well, I don't know if I can call it a bullying when the people who do that to me were kids, like merely 4-5 years old, as I was at that time. But what I know is that traumatized me that much that I still remember it till this day and I think somehow it makes me the way I am today, the most quiet person you'd ever known. Well, unless we have something in common or I thought u r my best friend, I would never open up first or at least initiate a convo. Or when you first met me, I'd never be the one who say hi first. And it's not that I don't want to but I couldn't. I'd just think too much, too timid and too nervous to even do that. Oh, how I wish I could be that friend of mine who could befriend even a stranger she bumped into.

So, what was happening is at that time I was a giant(?) child. I think I was as tall as a third grader(?) when I was a kindergartener. Wait, I'm not really sure how tall a third grader supposed to be. But I remember this, them (the bullies) were as short as my shoulders or even lower. I don't know if that's the actual reason they did bad things to me. Maybe they felt insecure around a giant like me and then they grouped up searching for some companies who feels the same way so that they could belittled me. I don't even know the reason. That's quiet funny now that I think about it bcs no matter how many of them flocked together I still saw them from up there(?). Ugh, you know what I mean. And how I feel so helpless when they come around. I wish I could tell my younger self to stand up TALL! Maybe that way I could get an extra cm height. Hm.

Anyway, another time was in my 5th grade when I moved to a new school in a whole new city, like I didn't even know a single person there. There's this kid a year below my grade, like suddenly, out of nowhere, when I was having my relaxing snacks time in the cafeteria, said aloud that I moved to that school bcs I failed a grade due to my giant body. Like wth boi. I was just eating peacefully. And what? Excuse me, but..do I even know you?! Damn. Now I'm angry remembering that. Apparently that day, I went home and told my mother about it and cried. This part I don't remember it, but my mother said I did, so yeah. And then my mother said she told the whole thing to the principal (I didn't know this until recently!). I don't really remember things after that, though. Too bad. I don't even know who that kid was. Lol.

Hmm. You know, I can laugh it off now that it's in the past. But at the time those were happening, I really think I have no one to depend on to. Especially the kindergarten times. Even if the parents saw it happened they thought that's just kids playing around. When I'm the only one who's not having fun. I always thought if I can endure it, pay no mind to it, for a while, they'll ignore me one day. I didn't even want to be recognized. I just wished to be invisible throughout the class.

Well, let bygones be bygones. And last, here I tell you, people. TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WANT TO BE TREATED. Cause you never know what comes after😏. See ya.

Love, Riz.

Minggu Pagi Hari Itu

Assalamu'alaikum.

Pagi pagi ke atm sama bapak. Sebelumnya bapak mampir toko bangunan, gatau beli apa. Abis itu langsung lanjut ke atm terdekat. Pas di atm, masukin kartu, ternyata suruh ganti pin. Mungkin karna udh lama banget kartunya ga dipake, kurang lebih setahun. Ternyata di rekening ada lebihan saldo. Alhamdulillah. Kupikir dulu semuanya udh ditransfer karna emang udh harus ganti kartu tahun ini dan rencana buka tabungan baru aja di bank syariah. Selesai urusan di atm, balik ke mobil. Bapak nyariin hpnya, di kantong gaada. Kutelpon, pertama kali nomor tidak dapat dihubungi. Panik. Kayaknya ketinggalan di toko bangunan, kata bapak. Tapi biasanya kan kalo udh gabisa dihubungi berarti ada yg ambil, atau engga ya? Itu sih pemikiranku aja. Biasalah, kalo ada kejadian pasti aku ngebayangin kemungkinan yg paling buruk. Bapak pasrah, trus ke atm. Aku coba telpon lagi nomor bapak yg satunya, ga aktif. Coba lagi telpon wa, ga ada jawaban. Bapak balik ke mobil, cus pulang. Aku masih coba nelpon, ke nomor yg pertama. Alhamdulillah diangkat sama ibu. Ternyata hpnya ga dibawa. Ok. Sia sia rasanya udah panik berlebih, padahal yg punya hp santai santai aja. Hmm.

Sebelum pulang, mampir pasar buat beli gula merah. Ke tempat langganan ibu yg tokonya di ujung deket jalan masuk, kok yg nungguin bapak bapak, tumben, biasanya ibu ibu. Yaudah lah ya. Aku minta gula merah 2 kg, ditanyain mau yg bagus apa yg biasa kyk yg dipajang di depan. Gatau bedanya, aku minta liatin yg bagus kyk apa. Dari bentuknya, yg bagus diameternya lebih besar. Aku inget inget ibu biasanya beli gula merah yg biasa aja, aku minta yg biasa.

Abis itu ibu ibu yg biasa jualan dateng, nanyain gula merahnya mau buat kolak atau apa. Mungkin karna aku belinya banyak. Aku bingung jawabnya. Tapi karna bapak juga nitip buat pakan ayam, jadilah aku bilang buat pakan ikan. Eh salah. Bapak sama ibunya bingung sampe kompak nanya, "Apa?!". Aku koreksi bilang buat pakan ayam. Ibunya kyknya ngerti trus ditawarin yg versi remahan yg lebih murah. Katanya kalo buat pakan ayam biasanya pada beli yg ini aja. Awalnya aku bilang gausah karna ibu juga mau pake buat masak kyknya gabakal mau kalo dikasih remah remah. Eh tapi aku mikir sejenak. Akhirnya aku mutusin buat ambil jalan tengah. Aku minta yg 1kg gula merah yg biasa & 1kg lagi yg remahan. Awalnya aku coba ngomong pake bahasa jawa, tapi karna kebelibet dan suaraku yg lirih karna belum makan & minum pagi tadi, bapak sama ibunya bingung sambil liat liatan kayaknya mikir barusan aku ngomong apa. Akhirnya aku ulangi pake bahasa Indonesia aja. Bapak ibunya manggut. Aku malu. Udah berapa tahun tinggal di Solo masih belum fasih bahasa Jawa. Abis itu ibunya coba ngajak ngomong soal pepakanan ayam. Aku manggut manggut aja padahal ga kedengeran jelas ibunya ngomong apa. Maaf ya bu. Selesai perkara gula merah, langsung pulang ke rumah.

Wassalam.

Dear, Readers (A Short Message)

Hi. Riz's here. Yep. That's my nickname here now. Hehe. Been a long time, huh? I just remember I have this blog. Like, suddenly. Yeah. Haha. How many years has it been? Almost a decade? Wow. Um.. So.. I just wanted to tell you guys, whoever you are (if there's any), that I decided to write here from time to time again. I don't know what I would write yet. But it had been like a daily journal, I guess, so I'll continue with that. Or I will just post something random. I don't know. I have no plans yet. I do think of something thematic for this blog to have specific visitors. But since I'm a random person, I started thinking from one thing to another and that led me to square one. And I think I'll use English for the language now since I'd like to improve my English, but that also depends on how my mood is when I write the post. See how indecisive I am? Lol.

A little TMI. So when I look through this blog of mine, I kinda have that nostalgic feels and now I miss my high school friends, since most of the posts are from when I was in high school. Ugh. This is bad. I feel like I'm gonna cry. ;_; I haven't seen them for years. Huhu

Well, that's about it. A short message before I start doing this again. See you next post.

Love, Riz.